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Maybe I just want an excuse to talk smack about the Twilight series and Stephanie Meyer, but I recently read the first book in a teen fantasy series called “Evermore” and I was once again reminded that with any creative media, one never knows what books, movies, TV shows, etc. will catch on, while other similar works, though better crafted, fail to find the same success.
I feel like one of those diet books titled, “Eat This, Not That!” My dear young ladies of the world! You want a fun book with a supernatural love story? Read this instead! You’ll be empowered and entertained, with a female character that actually HAS a personality.
So let’s do one of those old, elementary school compare and contrast lists to break down just how much “Twilight” sucks, and other books don’t.
SAME: Girl meets magical boy.
Both “Twilight” and “Evermore” deal with a young girl in love with a mysterious, perfect looking young man, who is not quite ‘normal.’ That’s about where the similarities end.
DIFFERENT: I AM Bella Swan!
What are Bella’s noticeable features or traits? She’s clumsy and she has brown hair and she’s obsessed with Edward. Methinks Mrs. Meyer purposely made Bella as bland and generic as possible so that any girl could easily fill herself into the blank. Good for teen girls, bad for anyone who likes character depth.
Same question to Ever. To start with, Ever has the ability to read minds and see auras of others as a result of surviving a car crash. That’s pretty cool, right? She cares about grades and school. More importantly, she misses her family, feeling guilty that they died and she didn’t. What’s that? Real human emotion besides an undying teen love?
DIFFERENT: Loner is one letter away from Loser.
That’s right. I’m calling Bella a loser. Bella finds normal, non-vampire friends lame and boring. Plus, she only hangs out with Jacob to boost her self-esteem, and engage in dangerous activities that might make her hallucinate Edward’s voice.
Ever values the group of misfit friends she has, often putting their needs before her own. When it looks like her beautiful boy toy Damen is hurting her weirdo Goth friend Haven, Ever goes as far to kick said gentleman friend in the nuts to fight him off. She also continues to have a close relationship with the spirit of her dead sister, knowing her sister should move on, but loving her too much to let go.
DIFFERENT: Girl Power!
When Bella finds out that Edward is a vampire, she only loves him more, and begs him to kill her so she can live with him forever.
When Ever finds out that Damen is immortal, she freaks out and runs away from him. She is frightened by her feelings towards him, and concerned if Damen could put her friends and family in danger. She calls him out on being different, questions him, and even avoids him when he doesn’t give her what she wants. In other words, despite her attraction, she actually uses her pretty little brain instead of blindly following a man.
While I’m sure there are plenty who would say, “But young ladies should be reading REAL CLASSICS! None of this teen drivel they hawk in modern day book markets! To that I say, teen girls will be teen girls. No matter how many copies of “The Great Gatsby” you give them, they’re not gonna read it. Still, that doesn’t mean they should pour rancid cotton candy into their brains.
Because that’s what “Twilight” is. Rotten sugar a toothless carny just served you on a paper cone.
Read this. Not that.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
No one steal my book idea
The plague of remakes and adaptations has spread from the TV/film industry into the world of fiction, and it’s all this guy’s fault.
Jason Rekulak, editor of Quirk Books. You can’t see this right now, but I’m looking at his website online and shaking my fist at it.
No, I don’t want to be a hater, especially considering I was drinking the kool-aid along with everyone else when the fad began.
It all started when the previously mentioned editor, Mr. Rekulak, was struck by a moment of pure genius. That idea was “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” written by Seth Grahame-Smith, and of course, Jane Austen. When I first heard of it, my reaction was likely akin to that initial moment of nerdy joy experienced by Rekulak. What a concept! How bizarre and hilarious! Furthermore, I really was quite impressed how Grahame-Smith managed to weave the zombie/ninja storyline in with such ease. In other words, the additional subplots made a kind of deranged sense along with the original source material. I even thought, “Hey, if this gets young people to be interested in classics, than who am I to criticize.”
Then came, “Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters,” by Ben Winters. Next think you know, Col. Brandon had a squid face, and Edward Ferrars is about to be eaten by Lucy, a sea witch. There were underwater domes and islands turning into giant sea beasts, and so much rubbish that I normally might find intriguing in a book of its own. The thing is, unlike his predecessor, Mr. Grahame-Smith, Winters’s mashup felt not so much like a joining of classic book and comedic writer, but like a semi running down a poor, defenseless family of Victorian squirrels. It all felt extremely tacked on, which made it boring and poorly written!
The more I got to think about it, the more irritated I became. All these guys did was take an established masterpiece, and then just add the word zombie or Kraken in every two pages and suddenly they’ve got a writing career?
Needless to say, my interest had waned. How I prayed this fad would go away! All the nights I spent kneeling before my shrine to Charles Dickens, burning incense and chanting passages from my 1910 edition of “Martin Chuzzlewit,” hoping that the great Victorian author might strike down this unholy epidemic of crappy literary adaptations.
No dice, Steinho. The phenomenon was here to stay. In the last few months, I’ve been subjected to such silliness as “Android Karenina,” and “Jane Slayre.” Louisa May Alcott has been doubly treated with both “Little Women and Werewolves,” and “Little Vampire Women.” I guess they’re trying to appeal to both sets of Twilight fans. Then, for the historically minded, have a crack at “Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter,” or “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.” Who doesn’t love reading about their favorite political figure stabbing something to death! Apparently a lot of people, considering the reviews.
Maybe some of these other books actually are funny or well done. I’ve only read the first two released by Quirk Books, and I would not dream of submitting them to the full Steinho wrath without having actually read them first. But like the movie industry with their endless string of terrible 1970s TV show remakes, or delightful children’s books adaptations that have left me weeping for my childhood, these literary concoctions make me feel that the true intent of such projects isn’t to tell a mesmerizing story, but just to make money. Trust me, as an aspiring writer myself, I have no delusions that the creative world is a business like everything else. Yet, shouldn’t we at least be trying to come up with something new? Isn’t that the point of having an imagination, to create new heroes, scarier villains, more exotic adventures? Story structures are old as time, but the details, can’t we at least come up with them on our own? Do we really need to dig poor Miss Austen back out of her grave just to slather her up with zombies, or mummies, or pterodactyls?
Or maybe I should just get back to working on my latest manuscript, “The Canterbury Tails: A Dinosaur’s Pilgrimage.”
Sadly, it’s probably already been done.
Jason Rekulak, editor of Quirk Books. You can’t see this right now, but I’m looking at his website online and shaking my fist at it.
No, I don’t want to be a hater, especially considering I was drinking the kool-aid along with everyone else when the fad began.
It all started when the previously mentioned editor, Mr. Rekulak, was struck by a moment of pure genius. That idea was “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” written by Seth Grahame-Smith, and of course, Jane Austen. When I first heard of it, my reaction was likely akin to that initial moment of nerdy joy experienced by Rekulak. What a concept! How bizarre and hilarious! Furthermore, I really was quite impressed how Grahame-Smith managed to weave the zombie/ninja storyline in with such ease. In other words, the additional subplots made a kind of deranged sense along with the original source material. I even thought, “Hey, if this gets young people to be interested in classics, than who am I to criticize.”
Then came, “Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters,” by Ben Winters. Next think you know, Col. Brandon had a squid face, and Edward Ferrars is about to be eaten by Lucy, a sea witch. There were underwater domes and islands turning into giant sea beasts, and so much rubbish that I normally might find intriguing in a book of its own. The thing is, unlike his predecessor, Mr. Grahame-Smith, Winters’s mashup felt not so much like a joining of classic book and comedic writer, but like a semi running down a poor, defenseless family of Victorian squirrels. It all felt extremely tacked on, which made it boring and poorly written!
The more I got to think about it, the more irritated I became. All these guys did was take an established masterpiece, and then just add the word zombie or Kraken in every two pages and suddenly they’ve got a writing career?
Needless to say, my interest had waned. How I prayed this fad would go away! All the nights I spent kneeling before my shrine to Charles Dickens, burning incense and chanting passages from my 1910 edition of “Martin Chuzzlewit,” hoping that the great Victorian author might strike down this unholy epidemic of crappy literary adaptations.
No dice, Steinho. The phenomenon was here to stay. In the last few months, I’ve been subjected to such silliness as “Android Karenina,” and “Jane Slayre.” Louisa May Alcott has been doubly treated with both “Little Women and Werewolves,” and “Little Vampire Women.” I guess they’re trying to appeal to both sets of Twilight fans. Then, for the historically minded, have a crack at “Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter,” or “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.” Who doesn’t love reading about their favorite political figure stabbing something to death! Apparently a lot of people, considering the reviews.
Maybe some of these other books actually are funny or well done. I’ve only read the first two released by Quirk Books, and I would not dream of submitting them to the full Steinho wrath without having actually read them first. But like the movie industry with their endless string of terrible 1970s TV show remakes, or delightful children’s books adaptations that have left me weeping for my childhood, these literary concoctions make me feel that the true intent of such projects isn’t to tell a mesmerizing story, but just to make money. Trust me, as an aspiring writer myself, I have no delusions that the creative world is a business like everything else. Yet, shouldn’t we at least be trying to come up with something new? Isn’t that the point of having an imagination, to create new heroes, scarier villains, more exotic adventures? Story structures are old as time, but the details, can’t we at least come up with them on our own? Do we really need to dig poor Miss Austen back out of her grave just to slather her up with zombies, or mummies, or pterodactyls?
Or maybe I should just get back to working on my latest manuscript, “The Canterbury Tails: A Dinosaur’s Pilgrimage.”
Sadly, it’s probably already been done.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I would never kiss another dude again.
On the whole, I have never been a fan of the 1970s. What’s to like? The ugly hair? The hideous pants? The horrendous cheesy music? Not to mention that crappy TV show they made about the seventies. You know, the one so cleverly named, that crappy TV show they made about the seventies. You know, the one so cleverly named, “That 70’s Show,” which unfortunately launched the careers of both Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace. Sorry, Demi Moore, but your man boy husband makes my soul want to hurl.
Then along came Charles Burns with his comic series “Black Hole.”
Let me give you a bit of a taste of this so called graphic novel. It takes place in the 1970s. It’s about teenagers in high school. The kids smoke a lot of pot, and talk about sex. Good God, could this just be another boring, stupid druggie 1970s movie/TV-show that makes me want to gouge out my eyes???
What was that Charles Burns? Half the teens have contracted a STD that makes them mutants, and not the pretty Hugh Jackman kind, but hideous mangled mongoloids with pustules and antennae and extra limbs!!!
Okay, NOW I’m interested.
The story was intense, both bizarre and strangely relatable. I think what I loved the most about “Black Hole” is how these kids are all going about their normal lives. They worry about dates, drugs, parents, being popular, parties, and on top of all that, whether or not they might wake up with a third arm after making out with that kid in their science class. Not once does the text give you a flat out discussion of what this STD is, what causes it, etc. It’s just there, another problem the kids have to deal with.
You have to wonder, if all STDs had such obvious symptoms, would today’s teens still be such major tramps? Probably, yes. If dying, getting crippling diseases, or having a tiny human parasite grow in your stomach aren’t enough of a deterrent, then I doubt sprouting a tail would do the trick.
Did I mention there’s a forest society of diseased teens who live in tents? Again, it just blows my mind. What if all the kids who had herpes or gonorrhea were cast out of society, forget whether or not they are still minors or had any feasible ability to take care of themselves.
This is the sort of crap I could have written an English paper about in undergrad. Fascinating!
I’m no artist, so when it comes to comics or graphic novels, I can really only speak in terms of whether or not it looked cool, and the answer to that question is yes. And there were multiple racy parts.
And there’s nothing sexier than watching a girl who molts her skin like a snake get it on with a dude who has a mouth in the middle of his chest.
Because we all know, that's exactly what people did in the 1970s.
Then along came Charles Burns with his comic series “Black Hole.”
Let me give you a bit of a taste of this so called graphic novel. It takes place in the 1970s. It’s about teenagers in high school. The kids smoke a lot of pot, and talk about sex. Good God, could this just be another boring, stupid druggie 1970s movie/TV-show that makes me want to gouge out my eyes???
What was that Charles Burns? Half the teens have contracted a STD that makes them mutants, and not the pretty Hugh Jackman kind, but hideous mangled mongoloids with pustules and antennae and extra limbs!!!
Okay, NOW I’m interested.
The story was intense, both bizarre and strangely relatable. I think what I loved the most about “Black Hole” is how these kids are all going about their normal lives. They worry about dates, drugs, parents, being popular, parties, and on top of all that, whether or not they might wake up with a third arm after making out with that kid in their science class. Not once does the text give you a flat out discussion of what this STD is, what causes it, etc. It’s just there, another problem the kids have to deal with.
You have to wonder, if all STDs had such obvious symptoms, would today’s teens still be such major tramps? Probably, yes. If dying, getting crippling diseases, or having a tiny human parasite grow in your stomach aren’t enough of a deterrent, then I doubt sprouting a tail would do the trick.
Did I mention there’s a forest society of diseased teens who live in tents? Again, it just blows my mind. What if all the kids who had herpes or gonorrhea were cast out of society, forget whether or not they are still minors or had any feasible ability to take care of themselves.
This is the sort of crap I could have written an English paper about in undergrad. Fascinating!
I’m no artist, so when it comes to comics or graphic novels, I can really only speak in terms of whether or not it looked cool, and the answer to that question is yes. And there were multiple racy parts.
And there’s nothing sexier than watching a girl who molts her skin like a snake get it on with a dude who has a mouth in the middle of his chest.
Because we all know, that's exactly what people did in the 1970s.
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