No, Really, I'm A Girl. Now Buy Me This Mace

Perhaps it was jealousy that initially kept me away from Felicia Day’s webseries “The Guild.” I am clearly threatened by her nerd beauty and the fact that in her career so far she has gotten to kiss both Nathan Fillion and Wil Wheaton.

Premiering online back in 2007, “The Guild” is now in production on its fifth season. The show boasts a following of bazillions of fans, which coincidently happens to be the EXACT amount of people who play World of Warcraft, an MMORPG very similar to the computer game played in “The Guild.” Oh, and if you don’t know what an MMORPG is by now, please email me your address, so I can drive by and throw a miniature Han Solo frozen in carbonite collectible figurine at your head.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I am a former WoW addict. There were times when I literally ignored people hanging out at my house to sit alone in my room and shoot pixilated fireballs at gnolls and dire bats. All the more reason why a story about a young woman obsessed with such a computer game should have been love at first sight for me. Yes, I was intrigued, but I was also a little hesitant. Was “The Guild” laughing with us gamers, or at us?

Then two things happened which forever cemented my fate. The first was that Felicia Day appeared at the local Barnes and Noble signing copies of a graphic novel for “The Guild.” I flipped through it, and enjoyed what I saw, but still wasn’t sold yet. And then, there was Wheaton. In my recent resurgence of teen stalking, I discovered that Wil Wheaton was featured on later episodes of “The Guild,” as a kilt-wearing leader of a rival guild named Fawkes. As in the same name as Dumbledore’s pet phoenix. This, I had to see.

Forgive me Madam Felicia Day for ever doubting your comedic wonderment. Once I sat down and watched it all, I wanted more, not just because the show was hysterical, which it was, but also because it reminded me of a game I loved and missed. I’d also like to take a moment to say I appreciated that while the characters were all a little bit odd, they were not (for the most part) losers. No one weighs four hundred pounds and works in a comic book store. Clara has a husband and family, Tinkerballa is a smoking hot evil Asian chick, and though the youngest guild member, Bladezz, lives in his parents’ basement, it’s only because he’s still in high school. You find out in later episodes this long-haired, perverted teen has a secret modeling career that the others mock him for. Personally, I love any world where someone is mocked for being a model. Even Vork, the middle-aged weirdo who eats expired food and lives in a shed, does so by choice.

I think I loved these characters because I was one of them. At the end of season four, “Big Bang Theory” star Simon Helberg has a cameo as a game master busting Vork for screwing with the game’s economic structure by creating a stock exchange. When the game master compliments Codex on her busty, short skirt wearing avatar, she makes a big point of saying she’s a girl in real life to woo him into getting a new guild hall. Oh, what girl gamer hasn‘t been there before! My guy friends used to hate how I could walk into the auction house in Ironforge and giggle at some dudes and say something stupid to prove how girl-like I was (I got a tailor to make me a customized pink shirt to help in this process.) and suddenly I’d be fifty gold richer. Yes, perhaps this was a form of pimping myself for fake money, but I make no apologies.

The question remains, did I enjoy this show only because I played World of Warcraft? I don’t think so. In fact, “The Guild” is as much about friendship and discovering one’s way in the world as it is about gaming. And you don’t have to be a nerd to have a sense of humor. It might help, but you don’t have to be.

Bring Me Wil Wheaton!

Wil Wheaton, if you’re out there, and if you ever perchance google yourself and find this blog, just know, that to me, you are perfect, and I will love you forever. More even, than I love Elijah Wood, and let me tell you, that is a lot of love, because he played Frodo Baggins.

If you don’t know who Wil Wheaton is, I’m ashamed of you. Not only did Wil Wheaton star in my favorite movie ever, “Stand By Me,” based off of the novella “The Body,“ which was written by my favorite author, Stephen King, BUT, he also was in a little television series in the late 1980s - early 1990s called “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” He played Wesley Crusher, a child genius and was the love of my eight-year old life. Well, he was co-love of my life along with Neil Patrick Harris in the role of another child genius, on the show “Doogie Howser, MD.” Oh, how our childhood dreams get shattered.

But back to Wil Wheaton.

What’s Wil Wheaton doing these days? Making hysterical guest appearances on “The Big Bang Theory,“ that’s what. His first cameo revolved around one of the lead characters seeking revenge on Wheaton after failing to show up to a Star Trek convention.

But that’s not all he’s been doing. Wil Wheaton writes books now. Several actually. I only recently discovered this after stumbling upon his blog. You heard me right, Deafy McDeafpants! Wil Wheaton has a blog, just like me! Only his has way more people reading it. The blog is hilarious, and I highly encourage you to check it out at http://wilwheaton.typepad.com. When I was a tween, like every other tween girl I knew, I had pictures of all the five million actors I was in love with on my bedroom walls. Wil Wheaton was one of them. Too often though, I’d pick up some magazine like GQ or Vanity Fair or even Entertainment Weekly, not realizing that just because these magazines had my current soul mate on the cover did not mean they were appropriate reading material for a twelve-year-old girl. I remember having my bubble burst upon reading an article on John Cusack, and he said something slutty to contradict his ‘nice guy’ image. I was horrified. How dare you be a real human male with non-romantically comedic sexual urges, John Cusack?! How dare you?!

Then I grew up, and realized that most actors are probably jerks anyway, because who else would choose a career where they get to have people stare at and worship them every second of the day?

But not Wil Wheaton. He is a hero that all geeks should praise and strive to emulate. Not only does he have a super hot wife, but he’s also an exceptionally clever and witty writer, in addition to being a talented actor. Seriously, have you seen “Stand By Me?” That movie defined my youth. My childhood best friend Sarah and I used to act out the scenes where Wil and River Phoenix each break down crying on each other, lamenting how messed up their young lives are. I remember sitting on a bench at summer camp, and suddenly bursting out in a tearful rendition of Wil Wheaton’s monologue where he admits his father wishes he’d died instead of his brother Denny (also played by John Cusack. See how this came full circle?) I’m sure we freaked out more than a few of our fellow campers. It was fantastic. And so is Wil Wheaton.

Let it be known, Wil Wheaton is officially added to the list of “Dudes I really want to meet before I die.” I’ve been reading his blog pretty consistently now, and this past Sunday I started reading one of his books, “Just a Geek.“ It’s a memoir about his struggles to find a career and support his family after quitting “Star Trek.” He has another collection of essays called “Dancing Barefoot,” and I hear he’s begun to dabble in fiction as well. Unfortunately, it seems right now that most of his work is only available in ebook form, and you all know how much I shake my fist at technology. Maybe for Wil Wheaton, I’ll make an exception.