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I feel a little shameful that it took me this long to read Patrick Rothfuss’ second book in the Kingkiller series, “The Wise Man’s Fear.” Especially since the book came out back at the beginning of March and I‘d been eagerly awaiting it since its original expected release date of fall 2008. To be fair, “The Wise Man’s Fear” is nearly a thousand pages long, and I am one tiny woman who works forty hours a week building toys for Christmas day.
There is a direct correlation between how much I enjoy a book and how little sleep I get during the time period in which I am reading it. Back in the days of “Harry Potter,” I did my best to finish the book the same day I purchased it, staying up once until dawn. I knew that if I didn’t finish right away, then I was doomed to days of un-productivity until it had been consumed. I admit, I was a little relieved to finally finish all 994 pages of “The Wise Man’s Fear,” because frankly, I was starting to get a little punchy from exhaustion.
If I were to go out on a crazy limb, I would guess that Patrick Rothfuss is as obsessed with reading fantasy literature as I man. He seems to know exactly what the nerd audiences are screaming for, as well as what’s been rehashed and reinvented to the point of decomposition. There’s nothing worth than storylines so boring and old that they smell like retirement home.
Rothfuss has drawn from the full spectrum in building his worlds and characters. The story follows a young red-headed lad named Kvothe. Don’t ask me how to pronounce that, because when I read funky names in books, I usually just change them to something boring like Kevin or something. So Kevin grows up with a band of traveling performers, his parents get killed by an evil spirit posse called The Chandrian. After living on the streets for awhile, Kvothe (Kevin) convinces the local wizard school to not only take him in, but also pay for his tuition, and teach him how to murder bandits using lighting powers, all before the age of sixteen. When I was that age, I was still trying to figure out how not to feel awkward in a tank top.
The twists and turns never end with Rothfuss. In typical fantasy epic fashion, poor Kvothe’s adventurous lifestyle never ends. In all 994 pages, I’m not sure you can ever go two chapters without someone wanting to stab, or drown, or mutilate the lad. Unlike, other fantasy series like “Harry Potter” or George R. R. Martin’s “Game of Thrones,” in two books, I can’t remember anyone important ever dying, save for a few key people at the beginning who start of Kvothe’s life quest. If I had to say something negative about the book, is that Kvothe is almost too good at everything. Even when he sucks at things, there really never is any consequences. Everyone always forgives him. No one ever quite succeeds in killing him, or cutting off his thumbs or sucking the life force out of his body. He’s like the Ferris Bueller of fantasy novels.
Something else that tells me this book (forgive me Patrick Rothfuss) was most definitely written by a nerd, is that all the women are incredibly beautiful, and Kvothe is constantly getting it on with all of them. His female school chums are hot. The warrior maidens who teach him ninja skills are hot. The villainous money lender who threatens to kill him is hot. Not to mention the super hot sex fairy that pulls young, virginal Kvothe into the fae world. Sheesh! At least Harry Potter had a little competition for Cho and Ginny!
Yet, like all these fine ladies, I suppose I have been charmed by young Kvothe, too. I only hope it won’t be another three years before Rothfuss puts our favorite red head’s life in danger once again.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
We Can Have the Wedding on an Asteroid!
Thor is a perfect example of what I was trying to explain to my mom the other night concerning why I will never find the right guy. All the good men are taken, gay, or living on another planet and only accessible by rainbow bridge.
My non-existent social life aside, let’s flashback to May 2010. A little film called “Iron Man 2” comes out in theatres. I really don’t remember that much about that film, other than it seemed to have five different story lines and Mickey Rourke had a pet bird or something? Anyway, what DID catch my attention was that two second bit at the end of the credits. There’s a desert, and a crater, and something in the crater that looks a hell of a lot like THOR’S HAMMER, because guess what? It is Thor’s hammer! To be continued…
I’m going to be totally honest. When that little snippet came out, I had never read a single Thor comic book. (I had read other Marvel comics that mentioned Thor, but never a Thor-centric comic.) Being a nerd, however, I was well acquainted with Norse mythology and Viking culture. So when I started to learn more about Thor, it was another one of those “This is exactly what I like, why haven’t I already consumed myself in this franchise” moments. Add in the fact that Henry V/Gilderoy Lockhart was directing the Thor movie, and I was pretty much sold before even seeing the first trailer.
Well, now that I’ve seen “Thor” I may have a new favorite sci-fi/fantasy sub-genre: space viking. If you don’t know anything about Thor, that’s pretty much what this series is all about. Thor and his peeps are all nearly-immortal beings that live in a place called Asgard. They have this magical rainbow bridge they can use to transport themselves to other planets like Jotunheim (home of the ice giants) and Earth (home of the fleshy not-quite-so-giants.) Thor has a punk brother named Loki, and a pack of multi-racial friends to help him when Loki starts to messing stuff up. Oh Loki! Will you ever learn that Thor loves you just the way you are? You don’t have to impress him by trying to set his friends on fire!
Likely this movie will have its share of haters. It certainly had a smattering of cheese ball moments. Early in the film, the king of the ice giants unleashes what looks like a whale with legs, a stegosaurus tail and some nasty, rock-grinding teeth. No problem for Thor! It’s really not even a fight. He simply flies through the back of the creature’s head, causing it to explode. That is how strong Thor is. He can punch a hole in the back of a ice monster’s throat. By the way, Thor can fly. It comes with the whole “God of Thunder” package.
Comic book Thor is tall and beefy with blond hair and a big ass hammer named Mjolnir. Movie Thor is pretty much the same, only he looks a little bit like Captain Kirk’s dad. (wink wink) Fortunately for movie Thor, he didn’t have to worry about that whole original comic book storyline of getting trapped in a crippled human’s body to teach him humility, which would have been a real drag when he was trying to make out with Academy Award Winning actress Natalie Portman. Heck, the film Thor was so entertaining, I was almost able to forgive Ms. Portman for participating in the atrocity known as “Garden State.”
This film really was one of those serendipitous cinematic moments. Instead of lamenting that a film completely botched the book adaptation, the movie version of “Thor” has gotten me even more geared up to plunge into Stan Lee’s comic world.
My non-existent social life aside, let’s flashback to May 2010. A little film called “Iron Man 2” comes out in theatres. I really don’t remember that much about that film, other than it seemed to have five different story lines and Mickey Rourke had a pet bird or something? Anyway, what DID catch my attention was that two second bit at the end of the credits. There’s a desert, and a crater, and something in the crater that looks a hell of a lot like THOR’S HAMMER, because guess what? It is Thor’s hammer! To be continued…
I’m going to be totally honest. When that little snippet came out, I had never read a single Thor comic book. (I had read other Marvel comics that mentioned Thor, but never a Thor-centric comic.) Being a nerd, however, I was well acquainted with Norse mythology and Viking culture. So when I started to learn more about Thor, it was another one of those “This is exactly what I like, why haven’t I already consumed myself in this franchise” moments. Add in the fact that Henry V/Gilderoy Lockhart was directing the Thor movie, and I was pretty much sold before even seeing the first trailer.
Well, now that I’ve seen “Thor” I may have a new favorite sci-fi/fantasy sub-genre: space viking. If you don’t know anything about Thor, that’s pretty much what this series is all about. Thor and his peeps are all nearly-immortal beings that live in a place called Asgard. They have this magical rainbow bridge they can use to transport themselves to other planets like Jotunheim (home of the ice giants) and Earth (home of the fleshy not-quite-so-giants.) Thor has a punk brother named Loki, and a pack of multi-racial friends to help him when Loki starts to messing stuff up. Oh Loki! Will you ever learn that Thor loves you just the way you are? You don’t have to impress him by trying to set his friends on fire!
Likely this movie will have its share of haters. It certainly had a smattering of cheese ball moments. Early in the film, the king of the ice giants unleashes what looks like a whale with legs, a stegosaurus tail and some nasty, rock-grinding teeth. No problem for Thor! It’s really not even a fight. He simply flies through the back of the creature’s head, causing it to explode. That is how strong Thor is. He can punch a hole in the back of a ice monster’s throat. By the way, Thor can fly. It comes with the whole “God of Thunder” package.
Comic book Thor is tall and beefy with blond hair and a big ass hammer named Mjolnir. Movie Thor is pretty much the same, only he looks a little bit like Captain Kirk’s dad. (wink wink) Fortunately for movie Thor, he didn’t have to worry about that whole original comic book storyline of getting trapped in a crippled human’s body to teach him humility, which would have been a real drag when he was trying to make out with Academy Award Winning actress Natalie Portman. Heck, the film Thor was so entertaining, I was almost able to forgive Ms. Portman for participating in the atrocity known as “Garden State.”
This film really was one of those serendipitous cinematic moments. Instead of lamenting that a film completely botched the book adaptation, the movie version of “Thor” has gotten me even more geared up to plunge into Stan Lee’s comic world.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Because You Can't Learn Biotechnology from Dissecting Owl Pellets
I’m not usually a fan of Michael Crichton. But I’m not not a fan either, by which I mean that I don’t think his books are terrible or want him to get thrown into a volcano or anything. Confused? Let me put it this way. If books were classmates in an elementary school gym class, he would be the equivalent of the rich, nerdy kid who plays tennis. Probably not terrible at dodge ball, but he’s not your first choice either.
With that being said, I’ve actually read several of his books, most of them between the ages of twelve to fourteen. You see, my middle school science teacher, Mr. Zusak, gave extra credit if you did a book report on any of Michael Crichton‘s work. This extra credit came in handy when it was time for learning about aerodynamics and the model rocket I was supposed to build exploded. Okay, I made that up. My model rocket flew perfectly. But I did the reports anyway, because it was middle school, and really what else was I going to do with my time besides watch “The X-Files?”
Frankly though, I always found his books a wee bit on the boring side. Crichton likes to include a lot of science and techno babble. You see, I never cared if I understood the long and detailed discussion concerning how InGen cloned dinosaurs from the amber frozen DNA in “Jurassic Park.” Odds are my brain shuts off when I see those words anyway, leaving me with a text that reads something like, “Bla bla bla tyrannosaurus science science Ian Malcolm’s leg bla bla blood technology genetics science bla bla disemboweled lawyer.”
And really, isn’t that all you need in an entertaining novel? You get the story. You get the nasty fun science-fiction bits. Nobody’s confused and everybody’s happy! Everybody’s happy…. except for Michael Crichton because he didn’t get to tell you that, “bioengineered DNA was, weight for weight, the most valuable material in the world. A single microscopic bacterium, too small to see with the naked eye, but containing the genes for a heart attack enzyme, streptokinase, or for 'ice-minus,' which prevented frost damage to crops, might be worth five billion dollars to the right buyer.” Streptokinase, Mr. Crichton? Wasn’t this book about DINOSAURS???
Oh god, you don’t even know how bored I got at this very moment, sifting through quotes from “Jurassic Park” just to illustrate my point on how boring techno babble can be. It’s fiction. Science-fiction! Did Luke ever stop and explain in scientific terms how the Force allowed him to have better hand eye coordination? No, he didn’t because was too busy training with Yoda and making out with his sister.
But tons of people (who are probably smarter than me. Members of Mensa most likely) love Michael Crichton’s books. He knows how to tell a compelling tale of death and destruction, hidden amongst the “subatomics“ and the “polarizing xenon gas.” Exactly why I didn’t turn my nose up at it when a friend of mine recommended his 1999 novel “Timeline.” It’s about a group of historians who use a time machine to return to 1357 and rescue their lost professor. As you can imagine, what should have been a “routine” retrieval mission turns into an epic tale of chopping off heads with broadswords and people getting spliced in two by faulty teleportation devices.
Shock of all shockers, the opening section that takes place in modern day, involving the huge corporation that owns the time traveling technology did not amuse me a quarter as much as when they dressed the crew in peasant clothes and chucked them into the past. Less than five minutes into arriving in 1300s France, two crew members die, with a third possibly on his way. Now that got my attention in a way no description of “superconducting quantum interference devices” ever could. Unfortunately, none of that happened until page one hundred and sixty-three.
With that being said, I’ve actually read several of his books, most of them between the ages of twelve to fourteen. You see, my middle school science teacher, Mr. Zusak, gave extra credit if you did a book report on any of Michael Crichton‘s work. This extra credit came in handy when it was time for learning about aerodynamics and the model rocket I was supposed to build exploded. Okay, I made that up. My model rocket flew perfectly. But I did the reports anyway, because it was middle school, and really what else was I going to do with my time besides watch “The X-Files?”
Frankly though, I always found his books a wee bit on the boring side. Crichton likes to include a lot of science and techno babble. You see, I never cared if I understood the long and detailed discussion concerning how InGen cloned dinosaurs from the amber frozen DNA in “Jurassic Park.” Odds are my brain shuts off when I see those words anyway, leaving me with a text that reads something like, “Bla bla bla tyrannosaurus science science Ian Malcolm’s leg bla bla blood technology genetics science bla bla disemboweled lawyer.”
And really, isn’t that all you need in an entertaining novel? You get the story. You get the nasty fun science-fiction bits. Nobody’s confused and everybody’s happy! Everybody’s happy…. except for Michael Crichton because he didn’t get to tell you that, “bioengineered DNA was, weight for weight, the most valuable material in the world. A single microscopic bacterium, too small to see with the naked eye, but containing the genes for a heart attack enzyme, streptokinase, or for 'ice-minus,' which prevented frost damage to crops, might be worth five billion dollars to the right buyer.” Streptokinase, Mr. Crichton? Wasn’t this book about DINOSAURS???
Oh god, you don’t even know how bored I got at this very moment, sifting through quotes from “Jurassic Park” just to illustrate my point on how boring techno babble can be. It’s fiction. Science-fiction! Did Luke ever stop and explain in scientific terms how the Force allowed him to have better hand eye coordination? No, he didn’t because was too busy training with Yoda and making out with his sister.
But tons of people (who are probably smarter than me. Members of Mensa most likely) love Michael Crichton’s books. He knows how to tell a compelling tale of death and destruction, hidden amongst the “subatomics“ and the “polarizing xenon gas.” Exactly why I didn’t turn my nose up at it when a friend of mine recommended his 1999 novel “Timeline.” It’s about a group of historians who use a time machine to return to 1357 and rescue their lost professor. As you can imagine, what should have been a “routine” retrieval mission turns into an epic tale of chopping off heads with broadswords and people getting spliced in two by faulty teleportation devices.
Shock of all shockers, the opening section that takes place in modern day, involving the huge corporation that owns the time traveling technology did not amuse me a quarter as much as when they dressed the crew in peasant clothes and chucked them into the past. Less than five minutes into arriving in 1300s France, two crew members die, with a third possibly on his way. Now that got my attention in a way no description of “superconducting quantum interference devices” ever could. Unfortunately, none of that happened until page one hundred and sixty-three.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Maybe the Lamp Fell In Some Plutonium
Today we celebrate a milestone in Steinho history. Exactly one year ago (minus roughly a week) I sat down in my living room in West Hollywood, the air conditioning blasting on me to combat the heinous desert heat of my poorly insulated apartment, and I scribbled out my very first blog post. Coincidentally, this happens to also be my fiftieth post. Feel free to send me some gold or something.
In honor of that day, April 29th, 2010, when I first threw my sack full of rubbish onto the ethereal heap that is the Internet, I shall return to the subject that started it all. The author that taught me how to use swear words in the third grade. The man responsible for, if not creating, at least contributing to my deranged imagination. Uncle Stevie himself.
By the way, I didn’t make that up. That’s how Stephen King often refers to himself. Sometimes I wish he was my uncle. Then again maybe not, because if I did finally get successful as a writer, everyone would always be saying, “Sure. That Steinho’s pretty good, but her uncle, now there’s a real writer! What‘ll he come up with next?”
I’ll tell you what he’s coming up with next. On November 8th of this year, Stephen King will release a book titled, “11/22/63.” Having been born in the eighties, this date initially meant nothing to me. Fortunately, a google search brought up a little synopsis. “11/22/63 is a story about a man who finds a time machine in a friend’s garage, uses it to go back and save JFK from being assassinated, and ends up creating a whole new life for himself in a bygone era.
There was a joke on the show “Family Guy” where Stephen King sits in an office with his editor. The editor asks what his next novel will be about. Stephen King scans the office, picks up a lamp, and says “It’s about a couple who is attacked by a lamp monster!” “You’re not even trying anymore,” the editor says, then with a sigh, “How soon can I have it?”
The sketch is half right. If Stephen King isn’t trying, it’s only because he doesn’t have to.
It’s always funny when you hear authors or actors or anyone who is kind of a big deal talk about their days before anyone gave a shit. Even Stephen King got his share of rejection letters before they gave him his scepter and little orb and crowned him god of horror fiction. If I ever get the chance to meet King, I’d like to know what ideas he just couldn’t sell, that the general masses of the publishing world found too crazy or macabre or weird. Because let’s be honest. Today, he pretty much could come up with an idea about a haunted lamp and it would sell. It would make it to the bestsellers wall.
Consider one of his last bestsellers, “Under the Dome.” The book came out in November of 2009. “The Simpsons Movie” came out in July of 2007. Both had pretty much the same premise. A small town is trapped under a big dome, and everyone starts acting like feral cats. King mentions in an author’s note at the end he originally came up with the idea back in 1976, but found the epic scale of the novel too daunting. Or mayhaps the good people at Simon & Schuster just weren’t ready yet for a story containing a brood of sadistic, triangle-faced alien children. It’s just further proof that King can take the same story as a ridiculous animated movie and turn it into something dark and chilling. When I said he doesn’t have to try, I didn’t just mean because people will always buy his books. King doesn’t have to try, because no matter how silly the notion, he’ll find a way to make it shine like a sack of gold coins with a dollar sign on the side.
In honor of that day, April 29th, 2010, when I first threw my sack full of rubbish onto the ethereal heap that is the Internet, I shall return to the subject that started it all. The author that taught me how to use swear words in the third grade. The man responsible for, if not creating, at least contributing to my deranged imagination. Uncle Stevie himself.
By the way, I didn’t make that up. That’s how Stephen King often refers to himself. Sometimes I wish he was my uncle. Then again maybe not, because if I did finally get successful as a writer, everyone would always be saying, “Sure. That Steinho’s pretty good, but her uncle, now there’s a real writer! What‘ll he come up with next?”
I’ll tell you what he’s coming up with next. On November 8th of this year, Stephen King will release a book titled, “11/22/63.” Having been born in the eighties, this date initially meant nothing to me. Fortunately, a google search brought up a little synopsis. “11/22/63 is a story about a man who finds a time machine in a friend’s garage, uses it to go back and save JFK from being assassinated, and ends up creating a whole new life for himself in a bygone era.
There was a joke on the show “Family Guy” where Stephen King sits in an office with his editor. The editor asks what his next novel will be about. Stephen King scans the office, picks up a lamp, and says “It’s about a couple who is attacked by a lamp monster!” “You’re not even trying anymore,” the editor says, then with a sigh, “How soon can I have it?”
The sketch is half right. If Stephen King isn’t trying, it’s only because he doesn’t have to.
It’s always funny when you hear authors or actors or anyone who is kind of a big deal talk about their days before anyone gave a shit. Even Stephen King got his share of rejection letters before they gave him his scepter and little orb and crowned him god of horror fiction. If I ever get the chance to meet King, I’d like to know what ideas he just couldn’t sell, that the general masses of the publishing world found too crazy or macabre or weird. Because let’s be honest. Today, he pretty much could come up with an idea about a haunted lamp and it would sell. It would make it to the bestsellers wall.
Consider one of his last bestsellers, “Under the Dome.” The book came out in November of 2009. “The Simpsons Movie” came out in July of 2007. Both had pretty much the same premise. A small town is trapped under a big dome, and everyone starts acting like feral cats. King mentions in an author’s note at the end he originally came up with the idea back in 1976, but found the epic scale of the novel too daunting. Or mayhaps the good people at Simon & Schuster just weren’t ready yet for a story containing a brood of sadistic, triangle-faced alien children. It’s just further proof that King can take the same story as a ridiculous animated movie and turn it into something dark and chilling. When I said he doesn’t have to try, I didn’t just mean because people will always buy his books. King doesn’t have to try, because no matter how silly the notion, he’ll find a way to make it shine like a sack of gold coins with a dollar sign on the side.
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