Well, At Least The Title Wasn't A Lie

Listen, I know we all get old some day, but have you seen Harrison Ford in “Cowboys & Aliens?” He looks like King Triton after the sea witch turned him into one of those shrimp slug things. Seriously, he was two seconds away from yelling “Get off my lawn!” at Daniel Craig.

That film had a whole heap of potential. Cross genres are cool, and John Favreau is fresh off the success of two “Iron Man” hits. Though to be absolutely honest, “Iron Man 2” was a little bit of a shambles. Still, it had impressive action sequences and Mickey Rourke with a freaking bird. Made no sense, but it was entertaining. “Cowboys & Aliens,” however, was about as dull as a sixty-nine year old man who used to be in better shape riding a horse around the desert and yelling at people.

What a coincidence, that’s exactly what that film was! Oh, and just to warn you, if you’ve really got your heart set on seeing this film, it would probably be a good idea to stop reading now. From here on out, it’s all smack talk.

I didn’t have terribly high expectations going into “Cowboys & Aliens,” but I certainly expected more than what they offered, especially considering the cast and director. But as the film started, my gut instinct started gurgling up trouble when I noticed there were no less than six screenwriters credited to the film. For peeps not in the biz, this basically means it was passed back and forth between a multitude of creative people, which typically leads to one of two possible outcomes. 1. The script is overcomplicated and convoluted, with numerous plot holes and characters that come off as schizophrenic. Or, you get a film like “Cowboys & Aliens,” watered down, with possibly a clear plot, but no real depth, character or heart. As the movie progressed, I held out hope that at least Daniel Craig’s hotness could keep me entertained. Alas, no. Sorry Daniel, you are not quite hot enough for even that.

What makes it even worse is that “Cowboys & Aliens” started out so strong. It had one amazing action sequence when the aliens first attacked the town (most of what was featured in the trailer), and then after that it was chaos. Seriously, the final ultimate battle looked like they told a bunch of extras to just to ride their horses around in circles while screaming and firing their guns wildly into the air like Yosemite Sam.

The characters were stunted and vague. They went from apathetic to melodramatic with no build in between. And as for our leading lady, I never thought there would be a human being with bigger eyes than Elijah Wood in Lord of the Rings. Olivia Wilde seems to have him beat. I don’t remember her eyes being this gigantic when she was in “House” or “Tron,” but maybe they CGI’d them up a bit while they were working on the aliens.

And the aliens! Oh dear lord. Was there a sale on CGI aliens this summer? Please, someone who has seen both “Super 8” and “Cowboys & Aliens” this year tell me if I’m wrong. I won’t say they looked exactly the same, but they looked similar enough to me that my monkey brain made a subconscious note of it. Regardless if they look the same or not, the alien was not mind-blowingly original. I have not read the graphic novel this film is based on, (for inquiring minds, it's written by Fred Van Lente and Andrew Foley) so possibly they were just copying what had already been established in the comic. Further research necessary.

“Cowboys & Aliens” is sadly another case of excellent premise and poor execution. They probably spent a lot of money on getting big budget stars and putting together flashy effects, without a whole lot of substance to glue it together. I am very quick to forgive films with lame plots as long as the effects and visuals rock off my proverbial socks. Heck, even if the effects aren’t good and the acting’s terrible and cheesy, a movie can still be fun! Instead I was left staring at Harrison Ford’s wrinkles and looking at my watch.