And also, the carny smells like feces.

Maybe I just want an excuse to talk smack about the Twilight series and Stephanie Meyer, but I recently read the first book in a teen fantasy series called “Evermore” and I was once again reminded that with any creative media, one never knows what books, movies, TV shows, etc. will catch on, while other similar works, though better crafted, fail to find the same success.

I feel like one of those diet books titled, “Eat This, Not That!” My dear young ladies of the world! You want a fun book with a supernatural love story? Read this instead! You’ll be empowered and entertained, with a female character that actually HAS a personality.

So let’s do one of those old, elementary school compare and contrast lists to break down just how much “Twilight” sucks, and other books don’t.

SAME: Girl meets magical boy.

Both “Twilight” and “Evermore” deal with a young girl in love with a mysterious, perfect looking young man, who is not quite ‘normal.’ That’s about where the similarities end.

DIFFERENT: I AM Bella Swan!

What are Bella’s noticeable features or traits? She’s clumsy and she has brown hair and she’s obsessed with Edward. Methinks Mrs. Meyer purposely made Bella as bland and generic as possible so that any girl could easily fill herself into the blank. Good for teen girls, bad for anyone who likes character depth.

Same question to Ever. To start with, Ever has the ability to read minds and see auras of others as a result of surviving a car crash. That’s pretty cool, right? She cares about grades and school. More importantly, she misses her family, feeling guilty that they died and she didn’t. What’s that? Real human emotion besides an undying teen love?

DIFFERENT: Loner is one letter away from Loser.

That’s right. I’m calling Bella a loser. Bella finds normal, non-vampire friends lame and boring. Plus, she only hangs out with Jacob to boost her self-esteem, and engage in dangerous activities that might make her hallucinate Edward’s voice.

Ever values the group of misfit friends she has, often putting their needs before her own. When it looks like her beautiful boy toy Damen is hurting her weirdo Goth friend Haven, Ever goes as far to kick said gentleman friend in the nuts to fight him off. She also continues to have a close relationship with the spirit of her dead sister, knowing her sister should move on, but loving her too much to let go.

DIFFERENT: Girl Power!

When Bella finds out that Edward is a vampire, she only loves him more, and begs him to kill her so she can live with him forever.

When Ever finds out that Damen is immortal, she freaks out and runs away from him. She is frightened by her feelings towards him, and concerned if Damen could put her friends and family in danger. She calls him out on being different, questions him, and even avoids him when he doesn’t give her what she wants. In other words, despite her attraction, she actually uses her pretty little brain instead of blindly following a man.

While I’m sure there are plenty who would say, “But young ladies should be reading REAL CLASSICS! None of this teen drivel they hawk in modern day book markets! To that I say, teen girls will be teen girls. No matter how many copies of “The Great Gatsby” you give them, they’re not gonna read it. Still, that doesn’t mean they should pour rancid cotton candy into their brains.

Because that’s what “Twilight” is. Rotten sugar a toothless carny just served you on a paper cone.

Read this. Not that.