Eat, Pray, Stop reading books to figure out what to do with your life...

My Dearest little blog flowers,

I’m afraid I’m far too tired to be witty. So I’ll just talk smack. It really takes very little effort or pre-planning to talk smack about things. Really, you should try it sometime. For example, without ever reading any of my blog posts, and thereby forming an actual valid opinion, you could say, “That Steinho is a spazz to the third degree! What an ignoramus! She should be taken off the air waves, post haste!” To which I would reply, this is not the 1940s, Grandpa. It’s called the internets now, but nice effort all the same.

A few weeks ago, I came under scrutiny (I’m purposely making this sound far more dramatic than it really was, because that is my nature as a Steinho) for allegedly criticizing a book I had not read. Today, as part of the Ignorantly Talk Smack Movement 2010, I shall purposely do exactly that, sans apology or explanation. I am not going to read this book, because I don’t want to read this book. I fully intend to go through the rest of my life believing it to be nothing more valuable than a glorified paperweight or projectile with which to brain burglars. There’ll be no convincing or talking sense to me, so don’t try. Or maybe you should try, because that might be funny.

Enough chatter. The reason I’m even thinking of this book at all is because of the recently released film they’ve made of it, starring the most hideous, horse-faced imbecile ever to grace the screen, Julia Roberts. That’s right. “Eat, Pray, Love.” Have you read it? Is it any good? Obviously, somebody’s read it because I had to keep throwing copies on our ‘bestseller’ wall back in the ol’ book store days. Then again, it could be the type of book where lots of idiots buy it after a friend claims it CHANGED THEIR LIFE so much and they are so much HAPPIER/SMARTER/MORE ENLIGHTENED having read this spiritual masterpiece. You want my opinion? It’s the sort of crap women read because they’re miserable, and they think reading a book about a stupid boring miserable woman ‘finding herself’ will help them ‘find themselves’ and thereby not feel such undeniable loathing for their husband, child, job, life, etc. Let’s be honest with ourselves here. People with real problems do not have time to ‘find themselves.’ They are too busy ‘finding money’ to pay the bills and survive, or ‘finding time’ to both earn a living and take care of their families. Fly to Italy to learn how to eat? Really? How ‘bout you stay home, head over to Olive Garden, save yourself some time and money and not abandon your responsibilities. Oh wait, you’re a wealthy white woman with too much time and no responsibilities! Travel away, fatty!

Who wrote this book anyway? When talking smack, it’s best to know as little as possible about the topic you are discussing. If I gave a crap, I’d tell you “Eat Pray Love” was written by Elizabeth Gilbert, who may or may not be that one chick from “Little House on the Prairie.” She might have written this book after enduring a painful divorce, and losing her job and home and some other important stuff. Notice how I said ‘might’ instead of doing research to prove that it’s accurate. That way I can just talk smack, without having to reveal any possible flaws in my argument, such as that the author might actually have gone through something really awful, thereby validating her need for a spiritual quest. I certainly don’t want to point out, that while Ms. Gilbert was successful and probably wealthy, she was only able to take the trip as part of a job assignment. And least of all, should I mention any of the numerous testimonials of how numerous people have been inspired to take similar trips on their limited budgets, and thusly have become better people.

Because we’re talking smack here, and I hate this book. Who wants to read a book about some probably smelly woman who did crap and apparently had a good time? NOBODY! So don’t do it.

Wasn’t that fun AND easy? Now, the next time someone is going on and on to you about how simply brilliant a book/movie/TV show is, start talking smack about it. You can even throw in a few fancy terms like cinematography or writing style or character development to give your critical tirade credence. And if they don’t shut up and agree with you after all that, just tell them some crazy woman on the internet told you how awful it was. I’m sure that that will convince them.