A Steinho PSA: Your E-Reader wants you dead.

It wouldn’t take a child prodigy to figure out that I like books. And by books, I mean stacks of bound paper with some type of cardboard cover and glue and various little bits of string. A book is something I can pick up, turn the pages, and drop in the bathtub. It is physical, tangible, real.

It is not a (expletive) computer code. It is not a (expletive) series of pixels, of ones and zeroes, and most definitely not a (expletive) glowing screen shooting laser beams into my eyes as I try to read the latest Stephen King novel. (Blockade Billy - great short story. Check it out.)

A book is a book. A real, honest to God chunk of paper that you can heave at a friend’s head the next time they’re bragging about their (expletive) Kindle.

You know what? From here on out, let’s imagine that every time I say the e in ebook, I am really saying an expletive, because to be frank, that’s what I think of most electronics and technology. Two nice words to use to describe them are ‘unnecessary rubbish.’ Two not so nice words are ‘bleepity bleep bleep.” Okay, maybe that was three words.

I hate ebooks. I think of all the latest technological inventions, e-readers are the worst. The Kindle, the Sony e-reader, even Apple’s latest wunderkind, the iPad. And don’t forget, the one closest to my heart, Barnes and Noble’s nook!

Did you hear about how Barnes and Noble isn’t doing so well right now? Do you know why that is? I would guess a huge part of it is because of websites like Amazon.com. In my mind, Amazon is a giant, magical warehouse, the size of Connecticut, that houses everything from DVDs to designer clothes to dog food. It’s like Mary Poppins’ carpet bag. Plus, everything is sold at pretty much the lowest price you can find, and if you don’t want to pay that low, low price, you can usually buy it used for even cheaper! Huzzah! It’s a Christmas, capitalist miracle!

Yes, as always, we have the internets to blame, but you know what? I also blame Barnes and Noble themselves, and everyone else that keeps supporting and perpetuating this idea that books can simply be ‘downloaded’ and read on our robot Star Trek tricorders. Back when I was still a purveyor of paper wares, everything was about the nook. Sell the nook. Talk about the nook. Take the nook for a walk. Give the nook your kidney, because it’s more important than you are, and even though it’s made of gears and wires and doesn’t need your kidney, do it anyway because we own your soul.

And the nook did well. We were constantly sold out. I mean the whole country was sold out. They couldn’t make them fast enough. And people kept buying them! It’s like Wonka’s golden tickets all over again, without the freaky trip to the chocolate factory. So then everyone had their delightful little e-reader, and flew into a fury of online book buying. What is the obvious conclusion to this story? You make a product that doesn’t require people coming into a store to buy real, paper books, what do you think is going to happen?????

People stop coming into bookstores to buy real paper books!!! Book stores go out of business!!!! What kind of a business strategy is this?

I know what you’re saying to me. Get with the times, Steinho. What about your precious tiny pink laptop that you love, Steinho? Why don’t you just go find a donkey and a wagon to drive around town since you’re so stuck in the past, Steinho! I’ll concede, the internet has changed our lives. We are so dependent on computers, on cell phones, on our vehicles, on our handful of other devices that make life better, faster, easier. No, I am not going to give up my computer, my cell phone or my car.

Tell me though, how does my life get improved by having a nook instead of an actual book? A lighter suitcase when traveling? Less boxes if I move? If you ask me, the logical technological advancement would have been a levitation device. Think of how much more practical that would have been!

Before anyone comes at me with this little gem of a counter argument, I’m going to jump right out and say screw the environment. While trees give me oxygen and keep my planet from turning into a flaming ball of magma, I think we can spare a few to keep printing books. Heck, we could print books on recycled paper, or banana leaves or whatever we had. There is a middle ground, I’m certain, between razing the rainforests and turning into techno zombies.

Perhaps this is a little more serious and fanatical than the Steinho posts you’re used to, but I won’t apologize for it. This is important, people. Books are important. You’re elementary school teaching was not lying to you when she came at you with all that “Reading is Fundamental” garbage. The whole experience of reading is important, with a proper book in your hands. Give me an iPod. Give me a HiDef TV. Put me in your robo car and fly me to the freaking moon, it’s all the same to me. But don’t give me a Kindle.

Think about it, did Watson and Sherlock Holmes sit around a Mac store, solving crimes? No, they did it in a library. A library full of books.

And I swear, if one of you makes a joke about having already bought me a nook for my birthday, I will reach through my computer and pop you in the eye.