Awkward conversations in book stores.

Dear. Mr. Blogadere,

If we are going to be friends, there are two things that you should know about me. One is that I read a ton of books. Two is that I become an arrogant, snobby, know-it-all pukefaced twit when it come to talking about them, though some of you might have already gathered this fact from the title of my blog. The truth of the matter is, I simply started reading early, and therefore, simply have had more time to cipher out what is an excellent read and what should be used to paper the bottom of a ravenous, over-sized parrot’s cage. This often makes life a bit on the awkward side for me, though. For example, back when I used to work for Lords Barnes and Noble as the head of the children's department, I’d encounter this little scenario.

Parent: I need a book for my idiot teen.
Me: Well, what do they like? Sports, shopping, wizards…
Parent: I don’t know! I am a bad parent and know absolutely nothing about my child! Just give me whatever you liked when you were a kid.
Me:….“Crime and Punishment?” How about “Oliver Twist?” That at least had a kid in it.
Blank stare from parent.
Parent: Oliver who?

I don’t say this to brag. Okay, I don’t only say this to brag. The point I’m making underneath the layers of self-satisfaction are that too often today children don’t like to read, and the books they do pick up are brain-numbing drivel. You know which books I’m talking about, so I won’t even say their names. That’s why I turn into a spastic twelve-year-old when I find good fiction for young adults.

CUE DALE E. BASYE, writer of an absolutely brilliant and clever series called “Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go.” Following the misadventures of a nerdy lad named Milton Fauster who dies in a giant marshmallow explosion, Heck shows what happens to bad kids when they die. What happens is a hilarious string of humiliations and classes with some of history’s most despicable humans. Lizzy Borden teaches home economics. Blackbeard teaches gym and there‘s a specific class and level of heck for every junior criminal. It’s Dante’s “Inferno” for kids, with as many types of humor as there are fiery rings in Mr. Alighieri’s underworld. A tapestry of toilet humor woven together with clever references to both wicked historical and literary figures through time. Just look at the main character’s name. Look at it and dare to say this book was not written by a nerd for other book nerds! Do you get it? Please say you get it. I’ll give you some clues. “Paradise Lost,” about Satan’s fall from Heaven was written by a man named BLANK and BLANK is the name of a play about a guy who makes a deal with the devil, and ends up going to Hell. See??? See how clever it is?????

I consider books like Heck a reward to young people for being smart. You read a lot and in turn learn a lot, you understand the references, you get to be in on the joke. You end up feeling SMARTER THAN EVERYONE IN THE ROOM!!! I can’t believe I’m writing this, but it’s kind of like what James Joyce and T.S. Eliot intended with the Modernist movement of literature. They purposely filled their work with references to history and other works of literature, to force readers into educating themselves in order to understand it. That having been said, DO NOT give your twelve-year-old a copy of “Ulysses” for Christmas. They will not understand it and feel like a big spazz when they can’t read French or Latin.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.

Try something a few steps down. Like “The Phantom Tollbooth.” Or Roald Dahl. Or Heck, by Dale Basye.

And if young people still don’t want to read…well… the world always needs more professional athletes.