Dolph Lundgren Could Have Played the Mad Scientist

I knew the odds were not in my favor that “Sucker Punch” would be what you’d call a “quality film.” However, I at least hoped for some marginal, bad action movie entertainment. No dice. Blogging about such a film using thoughtful analysis seems the equivalent of trying to analyze the finger painting a mentally challenged chimpanzee has done with its own feces. Therefore, instead of a critical discussion, I’ve decided to brainstorm ten ideas of how “Sucker Punch” might have been improved.

1. Instead of a tortured young woman, perhaps the character of Baby Doll is an actual baby doll, demonically come to life, or built by a mad scientist. But the mad scientist can no longer control her violent tendencies, so he must lock her away for everyone’s protection! Also, the character named Rocket should be a cyborg with rocket arms.

2. Cut the dream within a dream. There was only one filmed named “Inception,“ and you are not it, “Sucker Punch.” Baby Doll fantasizes about being trapped in a brothel, where to deal with being ogled by men, she fantasizes about fighting zombies. Dear Baby Doll: Are you really so messed up you require two dream worlds to cope with your traumatic experiences? Maybe you should try some more therapy and less attempts at vigilantism.

3. The characters in the fantasy sequences should actually have some relevance or parallel to the characters in the “real” mental institution story. For example, perhaps the dragon could have been personified by a fat, chain-smoking female guard, and the Nazi zombies could have been a troupe of rule obsessed Aryan orderlies. I mean, I love the random inclusion of dragons as much as the next nerd, but this is just sloppy storytelling.

4. Add more story and character development. It’s hard for audiences to be invested in the plight of generic female mental patients/prostitutes. Or another possibility is to have even less story and character development, and just make the film into a porno. You know, it’s practically halfway there on its own!

5. More John Hamm. He played two parts, that of a doctor giving a lobotomy and in the fantasy sequence, a mysterious rich guy in a white dinner jacket. Neither role gave him very much screen time. What a waste of Hamm!

6. More cheesy catch phrases. If you’re going to be a bad action film, at least embrace your crappiness with some memorable commentary. Such one liners might include “Lobotomize this!” or “Baby Doll wants to play!” Then cue cute blond girl punching a dude in the face. The possibilities are endless. The movie is called “Sucker Punch” for pete’s sake. There’s got to be a good pun in there somewhere.

7. Get a sense of humor. This sort of goes along with number six. This film was ripe with ridiculousness waiting to bubble through the melodramatic storylines. Point in case, Carla Gugino’s hilarious Russian accent as Dr. Vera Gorski. I’m fairly certain her character used to be eit her a communist spy or part of a family of traveling acrobats.

8. More crazy bitches being crazy bitches. The film takes place in a hospital for the criminally insane, so why the room full of mewling sad sacks? Where’s the sassy prison yard banter? Angelina Jolie had more spirit in “Girl, Interrupted,” and that was a drama, folks. All I’m asking is one chair thrown at somebody else’s head, maybe some creepy whittling while spouting gibberish death threats to a house plant. Now that’s crazy!

9. Less weasely villain. I have nothing to add on this point. This guy just looked like a creeper, and the fact that it took until the end of the film for somebody to stab him in the neck was really off-putting.

10. How about we just cut out the whole “real world” component and make this a story about five slutty friends who travel through time and space, fighting samurai, orcs, zombies, dragons, and robots. I’m sure there’s probably an anime already out there with this exact premise. Or twelve. Or twelve hundred.